By Sami Chan, Learning Designer
What does it mean to be a man? Or a woman? For many people, gender exists as a binary. With the spotlight on Pride Month, identities that fall outside of the binary become a talking point. There are countless articles on the subject of gender and presentation, ranging from personal accounts to full on academic papers – it can be overwhelming for those who want to learn more, but don’t know where to start.
This blog post focuses on gender, pronouns, and identity, and will hopefully act as an introduction to the wonderful and fascinating world of presentation. The terms ‘cisgender’ and ‘transgender’ are used throughout; Cisgender refers to people who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, while transgender refers to the people who do not.
I loosely consider myself as female with she/her pronouns, however my close social circle (including my spouse) consists of 70% genderfluid, trans, and non-binary people, so the topic of gender pops up quite often in conversations. No one person is a monolith, and every experience is different, so consider the following a collection of findings based on a handful of anecdotes and shared stories.
Now, let’s dive into the messy world of gender…
Sex = gender. This is the narrative many people grew up with; if you have ‘male parts’, then your gender is male and if you have ‘female parts’, then your gender is female. The truth is, it’s a lot more nuanced than that!
When you think of a woman, what do you think of? A set of personality traits? A set of physical traits? The way someone dresses? If someone falls out of that image, does that automatically make them a man?
Thinking about your answers to these questions, would you consider a ciswoman who has undergone breast removal surgery for medical reasons to be a woman? How about a transwoman who lacks a full chest? What about a person who is intersex and doesn’t have the usual XX or XY chromosome structure?
I know, it’s a lot of questions… but once you start to think about it, you might start to see that the boundary between what is a ‘man’ and what is a ‘woman’ is a lot blurrier than you’d considered!
Now that we’ve established that gender isn’t all about what’s on the outside, what about pronouns? You may think that pronouns = gender. For instance, if someone is a man, then they’d obviously use he/him pronouns, and the same with women and she/her pronouns. But once again, I’m here to say, “Not quite.”
The topic of pronouns has been hotly contested; whether it’s mentioning them in your email signature or introducing yourself with them when meeting people. The reality of it is that for most people, pronouns are just ways in which we feel most comfortable being addressed. For some, it might align with their gender identity, but for others, it might have no connection whatsoever.
That might sound confusing, so the best way I can describe it is this: Picture your pronouns as a t-shirt. Some t-shirts might not fit at all, another might fit but feature a design you despise. In the end, you settle for the one that feels the most comfortable and are happy being seen in. That’s exactly what pronouns are.
Now, the ‘issue’ comes when the t-shirt you’ve picked doesn’t quite match another person’s expectations. Maybe the shirt has a pattern on it that someone else dislikes, or it has an ‘unusual’ cut, so they suggest you wear something ‘more appropriate’. That’s what it’s like to be misgendered.
At first, it might seem like a silly thing to get frustrated over, but when it’s something that is said constantly, it takes a toll on a person’s confidence and self-esteem. No one likes being disrespected for their choices or identity, whether it’s a t-shirt or a pronoun.
Not always! Drag performers and others who express gender through performance are a great example of this. Many drag queens, for example, are cis men, yet they are perfectly comfortable with she/her pronouns.
Confused? There’s a super simple way to clarify a person’s gender and pronouns – ask them! If you do so in good faith, you’ll get an honest answer.
Like it or not, we – as humans – are creatures of automatic thought. We rely on a lot of shortcuts to help us make quick, rapid-fire decisions. Things that take too long to think about, or things that conflict with our automatic assumptions, can cause stress.
Our brains will do everything they can to avoid this stress. So, when your brain’s automatic assumptions about gender are correct, there’s even less incentive to address situations where these assumptions may be confronted. This is why people may do double-takes when, for example, they see someone automatically perceived as ‘male’ wearing a dress.
Unlearning social norms and cultural biases takes time, as does dismantling any forms of prejudice. But, while our brains may ‘lazily’ make automatic assumptions, they’re also capable of wonderful and empathetic things. We just need to take the time to learn, listen and grow.