By Sami Chan, Learning Designer
About the Author: Aside from being a phenomenal writer and instructional designer, Sami is a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. Only she could do this article justice by writing from personal experience, from the heart, and from her wonderfully witty outlook on life. Please note that the terminology used in this article is personal to Sami and may not be used by all people in the LGBTQ+ community.
Disclaimer: This article starts out a little, shall we say, passionate – but with good reason! It’s not intended to shame anyone (organisations or individuals), but to give context behind a very important – and often misunderstood – concept: Allyship.
Let’s dive in…
In Pride month, it can feel like we’re bowled over by a tidal wave of colour and a torrent of corporate rainbow-washing. The same tired articles about the LGBTQ+ community are dusted off, shared, and by the month end, it’s all forgotten as everyone carries on business as usual. The corporate EDI checkbox has been ticked; the performative allyship quota has been filled for another year.
Pride is a time for conversation and sharing, for empathy and connection. However, it is something that requires active engagement from allies and the LGBTQ+ community alike. You need to do more than slap a rainbow filter over your profile picture and call it a day!
If you truly want to champion equity, EDI, and all those other buzzwords, then you need to make the effort to try and connect to the voices that you’re supporting, that part is non-negotiable. It’s a bit like trying to paint a forest that you have never seen or experienced yourself; without the proper perspective or understanding, your best efforts might be entirely off the mark.
Now, as per the disclaimer, this isn’t a blog post to slander and belittle the efforts of well-meaning people, far from it; rather, it’s a piece to highlight the differences of support and what it truly means to be a good ally. Allyship comes with actions and speech that have meaning and intent.
So, let’s form a connection between you and an LGBTQ+ person right now! From one asexual to you, the reader, here are some things I would like more allies to know.
Deconstructing internalised bigotry and prejudice takes work. A lot of work. Often, there will be uncomfortable feelings that come when faced with the reality that you have said or done something ‘wrong’. These uncomfortable feelings can take many forms; defensiveness, hurt, guilt, etc. However, these feelings are also good!
We all make mistakes and, often, ignorance comes from learned societal behaviour or lack of understanding. If you are feeling uncomfortable about something you’ve said or done wrong, then it means that you’ve recognised it. Feeling bad is only the first step though, what you do next is how you prove that your allyship is not just for show.
After you’ve taken the time to recognise your bad feelings, do you do anything to act on them? Do you go and educate yourself? Do you look into local groups that help you connect with others in the same boat? The steps you take after your uncomfortable feelings are the ones that shape what kind of ally you will be.
Learning is a journey, and missteps are normal – what matters is the intent and willingness to grow. So, once you’ve identified your knowledge gaps, it’s time for you to go fill them in. This does not mean interrogating every queer person you know or meet. It’s not their job to educate you. If the other person does not wish to engage in those topics, then don’t push them or feel offended – you have no idea how many times they’ve had to repeat their story, had negative experiences because of it, and so on.
If they do want to share their experiences, then that’s great! Be respectful and listen; they’re giving you the time you asked for. Ask your questions from a place of kindness and curiosity, and keep your judgements or ‘advice’ to yourself.
If there aren’t any queer people in your social network, then the next best thing you can do is go and consume media made by them. Podcasts, books, blog posts (like this one!) and more, there’s a whole world of queer voices waiting for you to dive into. You just need to find them.
You’ve educated yourself, great! Maybe you’ve brushed up on your queer history, or perhaps connected with your local LGBTQ+ groups, but now you’re more clued in about the group you’re allying and that’s amazing.
As tempting as it can be to go show off what you’ve learnt, remember that you are a guest within the LGBTQ+ home, not the owner. Your second-hand knowledge will never overwrite the actual experiences LGBTQ+ people have had themselves. That isn’t to say that your opinions and thoughts are invalid, but if a queer person expresses their genuine thoughts on an LGBTQ+ related topic based on their own personal history, it’s not your place to go, “Well, actually, according to XYZ, you’re wrong.”
In the same vein, this is also why you shouldn’t out people without their consent. You might think that you’re being supportive by telling people that an acquaintance is queer, but if that person is persecuted because of what you’ve said, then the damage has already been done. Which leads us into the next point…
Remember, while Pride month might just be a month to some people, for many others, being LGBTQ+ is a lifelong affair. Being queer is part of a person’s identity and not something that can be switched off come the 1st of July.
It’s no secret that a lot of the community suffer from mental health issues linked to anti-LGBTQ+ stigma. With LGBTQ+ people being twice as likely to suffer depression than their straight counterparts, and the rate of suicide being fourfold, it’s sobering to think of how many lives have been cut short because of ignorance.
There’s a misconception that a lot of this can be resolved if a person ‘hides’ their sexuality – not only is this naïve, it’s incredibly harmful. Being in the closet can leave a person in a state of constant self-censoring, paranoia, and vigilance. This masking is tiring, stressful, and is an overall miserable experience. It’s also an experience many cis-het people will never have.
Of course, this isn’t to say that happy queer people don’t exist! From personal experience, the ones I’ve met are surrounded by supportive, loving people who accept them for who they are. However, this group is not a reflection of the majority, and with the rise of hate crime and anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, I doubt it ever will be… just something to think about the next time you hear a tired grumble about “queer propaganda being shoved in people’s faces.”
Being a good ally isn’t just about joining rallies and pinning rainbow badges on your bag (though that helps!) – it can start with small steps:
- Be kind and empathetic
- Be prepared to feel uncomfortable – it’s part of the process!
- Connect with LGBTQ+ people but don’t talk over them when it comes to their experiences
Being a good ally takes time, a lot of mistakes, and many moments of confusion, but all good things require work. What matters is that you’re willing to put in the effort… so, let’s work together to make that effort a little easier!